I feel the tension in my jaw and notice it.
I feel sadness and I sigh.
The impact that those words can have when they are spoken by a person in a position of trust such as a doctor or teacher, or a family member or a friend can be the difference between a short term stressful event and long term traumatic one.
When a person reaches out to discuss a stressful event which for them is prolonged, overwhelming and unpredictable and the words
“its just a phase”
are used, this can mean that the person continues experiencing a stressful event unexpressed, unprocessed and misunderstood which becomes a long term traumatic event.
When have I heard this phrase most? Here are some examples
Puberty
School attendance
Menopause
Anxiety
So let me ask you a few questions;
How long even is a phase? Do you know?
How does someone else know the difference between a phase and a situation that needs support?
How is it that some people seem so able to state confidently and quickly that someone else’s current experience of life is “just a phase”?
And why is that phrase so impactful?
I’m confident that you have been able to answer the first 3 quite easily and so I’ll answer the last one because for me it’s the most important one to highlight.
Shame. The phrase can trigger feelings of shame. Stress and fear. The phrase can trigger feelings of shame, stress and fear.
Its just a phase can be minimising and belittling, dismissive and damaging and can drive a person to doubt themselves, to then feel that they then have to get on with it, by themselves. That they are concerned unnecessarily. That they are being silly or dramatic.
If these words are used by a professional, lets say a a doctor, a teacher, then this can leave a person with no where else to go for support.
Doctors are the gate keepers for the health care system, teachers are the gatekeepers for state education. If friends or family repeat this phrase too, the search for support can stop or can become overwhelmed by too much information on social media.
These are periods of life where a person requires support, understanding and compassion.
The next time you hear someone say
‘its just a phase’
or before you say the words
“its just a phase”
Please simply get curious, maybe ask how long its been going on?
What support and information has been looked for? What support is in place currently? What is the plan for next steps? You may not have any answers but you can help the other person know that they are not alone in that moment. Or you can help yourself by continutng to get curious.
Connection and compassion to ourselves and others in these moments can make a huge difference to the next steps that a person takes which can then make the difference between this being a short term stressful event and a long term traumatic one.
In my lived experience, each time there was a stressful event, it’s never been just a phase. And as a result, its become a long term traumatic event. Which it didn’t need to be.
Get curious and connect.
Reassure yourself that you can navigate this phase, that you have researched and you know how long it is likely to last, that you understand from what you have read and verified from several sources what might be happening and you have a list of what skills and knowledge you may need to gain to make the phase easier.
Soothe the concerns you have with information, support and a plan so you know what to look for and what to do next if the situation worsens. You matter. And if you do this – you will be ready for the next time.
You will build your self worth, you will be accepting responsibility for managing what is happening and you will be creating flow in your life so you don’t get stuck. You will be connecting with yourself.
Maybe this is what other people have already done when they say its just a phase, they just forget to mention all the steps they took?
