The sun would rise every morning and I just didn’t want it to. My world had ended and I wanted the world to stop.
Now, I often look for the sun when I wake up.
Before checking the alarm to find out what time it is, I look to see if the sun is poking in around the sides of the blind. I am grateful for the predictability that the sun comes up. It reminds me of how far I have come in my own journey. And that no matter what has happened my feelings will pass and the sun will rise in the morning.
I’m getting on with it – I have learnt how – I have learnt that it’s not the events that happened to me that caused me to live in functional freeze since childhood, it was what I told myself about what happened.
I carry deep shame, deep feelings of rejection, abandonment and betrayal.
Which shows up as feelings that I am not good enough – I am not important – I am unlovable – I am not worthy – and these feelings are in my bones. So my healing requires my attention.
So when I finally got pregnant after two years of fertility treatment (fertility is affected by functional freeze – a trauma response because the body doesn’t feel safe enough to reproduce) we were told at our 12 week scan that there was something wrong with our baby, our world fell apart and I felt it was my fault.
It triggered my deep shame and the six weeks that followed that moment triggered rejection, abandonment and betrayal. It’s only 13 years later I’m able to release the feelings in my body slowly and safely by joining the dots.
Feelings of powerlessness flooded my nervous system, and it felt so overwhelming that I went into shutdown. I felt alone, unsupported and scared. Despite having my husband with me and the additional support of some family and some friends.
I couldn’t fight, or run away, I froze and then went into do as you are told mode. People pleasing. And I didn’t know anything then about how the body processes trauma and nobody around me knew either.
And as I write this blog I am sighing – deep sighs, and I’m noticing the tension in my jaw, so I’m smiling to release it. I’m noticing the tension in my shoulders and my neck so I’m gently moving my neck and shoulders from side to side.
I’m watching a film called Poms and my dog Skyla is next to me on the sofa. It’s raining and yesterday I spent time in the garden, completing some tasks that had been hanging around for a few months that were triggering my shame.
I am feeling present. I’m hoping I get a space on the yoga class I’ve booked with my friend.
During the next six weeks my body will want to release the feelings (big sigh again as I write that). I don’t want to keep these feelings in, I want connection, I want movement, I want as many cues of safety as I can get so that I can be present.
I may need or want to talk about specific things that happened but it’s not about what happened. It’s about the wound it triggered and that is what I am working on healing.
Shame, rejection, abandonment, betrayal. And as I allow myself to feel those wounds I remind myself:
I am good enough
I am important
I am worthy
I am loveable
Just for being me. I’m healing the root.
